Intervention
by Anel Red and the Cap'n
Summary: Final chapter! Kurt and Pietros shrink tricks them into attacking the X-Men. Much evilness and Jamie is angsty.
1. Who is it?

Ok, this is gonna be really short unless I manage to be creative and put in more stuff, but I kind of have writers block and I can't think up stuff to write. And CG is being a punk, running around in the snow because we just had two snow days in a row where we haven't had a single one in five years. So.yeah. And yes, I am addicted to sugar, it's not something I just made up, it's a real thing.  
  
Oh and another little thingy, movie Bobby is from Boston and so I assume Evo Bobby is too. This really ticks me off that they don't do his accent right, in fact, no one does Boston accents right and they cant get the lingo right. No one I know says 'rooving'. But of course I have to make fun of everything so if you're from Boston and I butcher it that's just me.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men, no matter how much I'd like to. I also don't own 'Heya'.  
  
************************  
  
Intervention  
  
The X-Men had all gathered in the professors meeting room, where they had been summoned by the man only minutes ago through means of his psychic powers. They stood around with their hands in their pockets, each of them saying over and over: "Goodness I wonder what this could be about." All were present, including the New Recruits, all except the professor.  
"Yo dawg, wheya da professuh be at?" Bobby inquired.  
"I bet he made us all come here so he could wheel around the mansion in drag!"* Jamie said. The others eyed him doubtfully and Jamie sighed. "I saw him in a dress! It was at night and I had to drop a deuce! I told you this already!"  
"Sure you did, little man." Roberto said, and then made kissy faces at Bobby, his object of desire.  
"I did!" Jamie shouted as Bobby grimaced, and Sam put a comforting arm around him. Bobby, not Jamie! That would be cradle robbing.probably.  
Then the door opened and the professor rolled in, a Senor Cupcake cupcake held in his hand. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to attention. The professor looked surprised to see them all there for some reason.  
"What are you all doing here?*Gasp!* Did one of you scratch my Justin Timberlake CD?!!" They X-changed looks and then Jean stepped forward.  
"Professor, you summoned us here."  
"Shut up Jean!" he snapped and then grumbled about Ms.-Know-It-All, and then he saw the cupcake in his hand.  
"Ah, yes. Now I remember," he said brightly. The X-Men waited, and waited.and waited.  
"And.?" Storm pushed.  
"Stop pressuring me!" he whined, "You're not my mom!" Storm sighed and shook her head as she had grown used to this behavior long ago.  
After about half an hour the professor continued as if nothing had happened.  
"I have summoned you all here for an intervention," at the looks they gave him he sighed and said, "Not for me you idiots!" But for who then? Let's find out! Everyone turned to Jamie.  
"What, you think it's me? I'm telling you I really saw him!" Then they turned to Kitty.  
"You, like, seriously, like, aren't thinking it's me!"  
"If the shoe fits Kitty!" Ray said deductively.  
"Like, that makes, like no sense at all!" she quipped.  
"Oh, well I just thought it would sound smart," he mumbled.  
"I'm sure you did," she muttered.  
"Enough!" The Xavier demanded. "This is not a drug intervention!" at this they all looked at Jean, "No it's not an alcohol intervention either!" Jean folded her arms across her chest and pouted. Scott put an arm around her, though in his head he pictured it was Lance he was holding.  
"This is an intervention for the most sinister addiction of them all! It's an intervention for.SUGAR!" *Collective gasp!* A most sinister addiction indeed!  
"Who suffers from this most sinister addiction?" Amara queried.  
"I know not. I only know every time I've bought a bag of sugar over the last few months it's been found ripped apart with the insides thoroughly cleansed of any sugar residue." The professor came forward and placed the cupcake on the floor, "So I have decided this! With all of you here I know the addict is present, and whoever he or she is, they will not be able to resist a Senor Cupcake!" Though they all knew the professor could easily read their minds to find out who the addict was they decided to let him have it his way and, and they all lined up.  
For a while it seemed nothing was going to happen, then Rogue raised her hand.  
"Yes Rogue? Would you like a cupcake?" the professor asked eagerly.  
"No.can Ah be excused?"  
"Why? So you can go find more sugar!" he demanded.  
"No! Ah have to pee, damnit!" she shouted.  
"Very well," Xavier said, pleased that he had tortured another student. Rogue ran out and they all stood there getting more and more bored by the minute. Then Bobby began humming 'Heya' and was soon singing.  
"Shake it like a Polaroid picture!" he sang aloud, and then a scream pierced the air. Everyone jumped as Kurt leapt forward unto the cupcake. He shoved it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.  
"Kurt!" Jean gasped, "It was you all along!"  
"No shit, Dick Tracey." Logan growled.  
"Oh, it's true!" Kurt moaned, his face reddened in shame, not that anyone could see it, what with the fur and all.  
"Its okay, Kurt." Xavier said with fake sympathy. "We're here for you."  
"On deadest dogs we ah," Bobby said supportively.  
"Right," Storm said, "Now the first step on the road to recovery is to give up all sugar, for the remainder of your natural life." Kurt's eyes widened at such a thought.  
"Yeah like, here's a celery stick!" Kitty chimed with overemphasized glee.  
"Oh Jesus," Kurt groaned.  
  
Wow! I just got an idea for the next chapter! It involves Pietro. Microsoft Word doesn't recognize Pietro as a word. Huh. Anyway, Pietro seems to talk really fast, and even though his powers may have something to do with that, I think my idea is a more funner explanation. Well.Goodbye! 


	2. Psycho

Well, well, well, well.well. I'm alive. Bet you thought I'd forgotten about you, huh? Well I haven't. The teachers piled appalling amounts of homework upon our tiny heads before midterms while making us study for midterms so that our brains were in permanent school mode. On the last day of the exams the only thing keeping my brain from going into stasis mode was the constant repetition of the word "shclackey" which is the sound the phone makes when you hang it up. So anyhoo.. this is the second chapter of Intervention. Hooray! Go forth and read our shameful banalities!  
  
Disclaimer: Once upon a time there were no copyright laws or trademarks, but alas, that was when dinosaurs still walked the Earth. I do not own X-Men. And yes I do have to be that dramatic about it.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-PORT  
  
"Hi, my name is Kurt," Kurt said to the group consisting mostly of middle aged, fat balding men, and Bob the Microsoft intern. But that's another story.  
  
"Hello Kurt!" the group said cheerily. Kurt groaned at this. Why did they have to be so happy? He felt like crap, his arms were weak and he desperately wanted a pixie stick.  
  
"Go on, Kurt," the group shrink said brightly though everyone knows shrinks don't really listen. They just doodle on their little shrink notebooks.  
  
"Well.. um I'm a sugar addict-" the group gasped forcing Kurt to raise an eyebrow in question of their limited intelligence. What else did they expect? That he was a cross dressing male prostitute?  
  
"Well don't worry Kurt! We're all here to help you!" the shrink said with enough jolliness to make Santa Claus want to strangle him. Suddenly the door opened and-shock of shocks! Do you know who walked in? Of course not so now I shall tell you! It was.. Pietro! My God!  
  
"Sorry I'm late, Wanda locked me in a closet again and- What are you doing here?!" he asked as he was late and had missed Kurt's admission to being addicted to sugar and so poor Kurt was to share his shameful secret with one of his worst enemies.  
  
"I'm addicted to sugar," he said shamefully. There is much shame in this story.  
  
"Oh! Me too! Hey, want a button?" before Kurt could ask "What button you loon?" Pietro had pinned a bright pink button to his shirt which read 'I survived sugar'. Kurt gawked at Pietro with incredulity as he handed out buttons to everyone, each member grinning and sticking the rotund monstrosities to their sweater vests with pride.  
  
"I'm going to kill myself," he moaned then dropped into a chair.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-PONENTS  
  
Principal Kelly was in the principal's office at Bayville High as that was where he lived, like all principals. He was scowling down at a paper on his desk, well not really the paper, the words printed unto it by his laser jet printer.  
  
"Five more of them!" he said, anger evident in his voice as he really yelled it. Who are the persons, places or things, otherwise known as nouns, of which he spoke? Well we all know who Kelly hates. Mutants. Duh.  
  
"There are more everyday!" apparently his absolute rage limited him to only four words per sentence. So now he will think all his anger. -There has to be some way to deal with them! They must have a weakness! - Of course they must, gosh darnit! Kelly pondered upon this subject until he realized that there was someone in his office and they must have been there for some time because they were talking.  
  
"And that's why the economy is in its current state. But that's a little off the topic. I have discovered something very interesting."  
  
"About what?" Kelly said in annoyance of having his ponderings interrupted.  
  
"I am a group psychologist, I help people get over disturbing happenings in their lives. Currently I am counseling a group of sugar addicts." Kelly gasped, for he could not imagine such a horrible fate of being addicted to something like sugar.  
  
"Yes, yes, unsettling isn't it? Anyhow, there are two interesting persons in my group. Three actually, if you count Bob, but he's an intern. He's not important. The two I speak of are mutants." Kelly sat there staring at the man for the better part of an hour before he caught on to what he was saying.  
  
"That's it! I can use their debilitating addictions against them! It's so wonderfully simple!" isn't it though?  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-PIRE  
  
The next day (everything happens the next day..) Kurt was at lunch with all his X-Men friends, who were all eating sugary objects. This of course was driving Kurt insane. Kurt couldn't take it anymore, so he stood up and staggered away towards a corner where there were no people eating sugar.  
  
All of a sudden he saw a table advertising sugar free cookies. This greatly intrigued Kurt, but not really since he was very bored and needed something to keep his mind off of real sugar, and just wanted something to do, so he walked up to the table.  
  
"These are sugar free?" he asked nonchalantly. "That's what the sign says," the lunch attendant said, leaving out the implied "you idiot".  
  
"Are you sure? Because I'm diabetic, and I could die if I had sugar."  
  
"Its sugar free, dude."  
  
"..So what kind of cookies are these?" Kurt asked.  
  
"Look, are you gonna take a cookie or not?"  
  
"Yes. Yes I vill." And so he did, and shoved it into his mouth. Mmmm, cookie.  
  
As it so happened, there was an identical table outside the Brotherhood Boarding House, only the attendant at this table was a little girl who was selling each cookie for a quarter. Of course the Brotherhood would never do something as sacrilegious to their creed as pay for anything so they stole the cookies and shared them over tea.  
  
As it also happens the cookies had been made the night before in the school cafeteria by Principal Kelly. And yes he wore oven mitts and an apron that said 'Kiss the Cook'. He also poured several three pound bags of sugar in his cookie cauldron. The madness!  
  
Simultaneously, as that is how these things happen, Kurt and Pietro began to grow giddy and jumpy. Everything seemed to slow down around them, which seeing as how Pietro is the speed demon it was worse for him, but it kinda sucks for Kurt too.  
  
"Whyareyouallgoingsoslow!? You're so boring! I'm going out!" Pietro shouted, causing Microsoft to underline the very long word that it had no suggestions for replacing. Can you tell Anel hates Microsoft?  
  
Kurt meanwhile was kart wheeling about the cafeteria singing, "I am the very model of a modern Major- General!" and the rest which I cannot remember.  
  
Scott, who always seems offended when such inexplicable happenings happened, tried to grab the Crawler, but only succeeded in pulling off his watch, which in turn revealed Kurt's blue fuzzy self. Of course this caused everyone to jump up and run away screaming because their feeble minds could not comprehend the color blue. Ha ha, fools.  
  
Kurt did not notice this, however, as he was to busy wondering whether he could use the swings to jump the fence surrounding the duck pond. And since there was only one way to find out Kurt *BAMF*ed.  
  
Pietro was at the park as well, racing people's dogs to catch their Frisbees. It was no contest of course. Suddenly, Pietro heard Kurts *BAMF* and something in his head clicked connecting that sound with the mutant who made it, and so he sped off in that direction.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked.  
  
"I'm going to swing over the fence!" Kurt said excitedly.  
  
"You can't do that! No one can!" Pietro said in disbelief at the mere thought of such a feat.  
  
"YOU can't." Kurt said objectionably.  
  
"Yes I can!" and so Pietro set about doing so.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-PUNGE  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the vicinity, Scott and Jean, the two biggest interlopers on the face of the planet, were desperately searching for Kurt. Rogue was there too. She just didn't care.  
  
"Come one Rogue! He's your brother!" Jean said.  
  
"Don't you play that with me. He's NOT my brother." Rogue angst's too much.  
  
Scott, sensing an unscheduled visit to the hospital, cast about for Kurt and saw him. Playing on the swings! Gasp!  
  
"There!" he shouted and started off in the general direction.  
  
"Kurt! Get off the swings! You have to come with us. Hey, what's Quicksilver doing here?" Jean inquired as the presence of any 'bad guy' in a normal place was unexpected and offending.  
  
"Never!" Kurt shouted, referring to her demands to stop. Stop swinging? When he had almost reached proper height and speed to get over the fence? Madness!  
  
Rogue watched all this with her usual boredom. She calmly removed her glove, and then started towards the two sugar-hyped mutants. Unfortunately they jumped before she reached them.  
  
"Now!" Pietro shouted and they both jumped from their swings over the fence and landed with a splash in the duck pond.  
  
"Yes!" they shouted and gave each other high fives. Tremendous.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-CEPTIONAL  
  
That's all for now my friends. Hey, if you see any spelling errors or grammatical incorrectness tell me or I'll feel stupid when I find them. And if you want me to feel stupid.I don't have the energy to make anymore clever remarks. Sorry for not doing anything forever. And thanks to all of you who review. I love you all! I need sleep. 


	3. Mommy!

Chapter Three! Splendiferous. I've been reading my own stories for hours and that somehow inspired me. It also made me wonder how I have enough creativity to write that many stories. Confusion.  
  
Disclaimer: Well.. I've nothing creative to say about this. I don't own X- Men Evolution.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"My plan is working perfectly!" Principal Kelly said evilly.  
  
"No it isn't," Dr. Spunkerneller said.  
  
"How so?" Kelly asked.  
  
"You just gave two addicts sugar highs. Then you did nothing else." Spunkerneller flipped through his shrink notebook grinning at all his amusing doodles. –I should be a cartoonist- he thought.  
  
"Well what would you suggest I do?"  
  
"Well for one, stop seeing that Magneto fellow for lunch everyday. Second, I am their shrink, I could turn them against their fellow mutants through a means I shant reveal."  
  
"Good idea, for the latter suggestion. Regarding the former: What?! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I have lawyers! I'll sue you for degradation of character! I-"  
  
"I have pictures." Spunkerneller said calmly.  
  
"Oh. Well never mind then."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
At a candy store somewhere in downtown Bayville, people were running out the doors in an unrealistic number due to what was inside. What was inside? I shall tell you.. now. Pietro and Kurt were inside. That wouldn't seem so bad if they weren't extremely hyper, covered in what I pray was chocolate and destroying everything in their search for more candy.  
  
"I LOVE GUMMY WORMS!" Pietro screamed and proceeded to shove fistful after fistful into his mouth at lightning speed. Kurt was pouring about thirty tubes of pixie stix into his mouth and miraculously not choking on the powder. Bob the Microsoft intern stood shakily for he had been nearly trampled to death by the two and then by the frightened humans.  
"WHO ARE YOU?" Kurt asked.  
  
"HE'S HERE TO STEAL OUR CANDY!" Pietro accused and Poor Bob was teleported out above a river. Certain their candy supply was now safe the two mutants continued to stuff their faces. Until, that is, Jean and Scott arrived.  
  
"Kurt, please listen to me. You are high on sugar, we need to get you back to the institute." Jean said. Kurt took one look at her and screamed.  
  
"GET AVAY SPACE LOBSTER!" and he ported himself and Pietro off to a magical candy kingdom. But not really.  
  
"I told you that wouldn't work," Scott said.  
  
"No you didn't, fool man!" Jean scolded.  
  
"Yes ma'am!" Scott squeaked for he was thoroughly whipped.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Dr. Spunkerneller spotted his two mutant patients and reviewed his plan quickly which he had drawn out with sidewalk chalk since Kelly had kicked him out of his office.  
  
"This is, like, so evil!" he said giddily and then began to cackle manically until he realized Kurt and Pietro were almost out of sight, and the little girl from whom he had borrowed the chalk was giving him a dirty look, so he dropped the chalk and chased after them.  
  
"Wow. Look at my hands; they're so tiny and girlish!" Pietro was saying as Spunkerneller walked up.  
  
"Pietro, Kurt?" he said cautiously for they were surely volatile in this state. Plus Kurt's tail kinda, you know, freaked him out.  
  
"Mommy?" Kurt said hopefully.  
  
"No, it's Dr. Spunkerneller."  
  
"Oh, mommy! I missed you!" Kurt proclaimed and gave the doctor a big I-love-you-mommy hug.  
  
"Um, yes.. well Kurt, mommy has something she needs you to do." Spunkerneller said feeling slightly ridiculous. As ridiculous as Kurt thinking a fifty year old balding man was his mommy? Never!  
  
"Vhat is it, mommy?" the blue mutant asked, his eyes shining with joy at being reunited with his mommy. Not Mystique, you fool! His pleasant German mommy.  
  
"You know the X-Men?" Kurt nodded, "Well they are evil. They have been using your wonderful gift for their own evil plans."  
  
"Gasp!" Kurt said instead of just making the noise. Could this be true? His friends were evil? Well if his mommy said so it must be true. He had always suspected that space lobster, though.  
  
"I need you to take them all out, uh, sweetie. Think you can do that for your mommy?"  
  
"Yes mommy! I vill do vhatever you say!" Kurt said, enthused.  
  
"Good. Now run along," Spunkerneller said and began to cackle again. Kurt turned to Pietro.  
  
"That's my mommy!" he said proudly.  
  
"She must be really happy to see you. See how she laughs with joy?"  
  
"Oh, yes. Now let's go beat the living crap out of the X-Men!"  
  
"Okay!" Pietro cheered.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Professor Xavier flipped through his Fashion Bug catalogue, trying to decide which of the spring line he would add to his ever growing collection of women's wear. This however proved to be far too complicated and he threw down the catalogue in frustration.  
  
"Oh, I'll never get my new dress!" he said woefully. Darn! Suddenly his brain powers sensed Kurt was near. –Oh good, he's back from his sugar high. Now how shall I punish him in a way that will demean and traumatize him? - the secretly evil man thought evilly. Then he realized Quicksilver was with him and reached into their minds further. Apparently Kurt's mother had ordered him to destroy the X-Men. Huh, weird.  
  
Xavier sighed: he really wasn't in the mood to stop a hostile takeover, so he locked the door to his room and made everyone in the mansion believe he wasn't there.  
  
"Now, let's see if I can find some pumps that I like." Good luck professor! To the battlegrounds!  
  
Bobby was sitting calmly in the living room when suddenly all of a sudden, Kurt BAMF'd in front of him.  
  
"Yo, dog. What's good?" he asked.  
  
"DIE SECRETLY EVIL FORMER COMRAD!" Kurt screeched and leapt at his face.  
  
"Yo! I don't play that!" Bobby said angrily and attempted to ice the blue mutant. This attempt went unfinished however, for Pietro speeded into him, knocking Iceman into a wall and unconscious.  
  
"Thank you new non-evil friend!" Kurt said and gave Pietro a friend- hug. Jamie walked in just as this happened and moaned.  
  
"Oh come on! Are you serious? Why do these things keep happening to me!?" For as we all know he had already seen the professor in a dress and Principal Kelly having lunch with his male lover Magneto, and now this. Poor Jamie. So he called for help and all the other mutants arrived mere seconds after the embrace.  
  
"NOOOOO!" he screamed which frightened the two crazed mutants and made them attack.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Five minutes later both were bound and gagged and given a sedative and the Brotherhood was loading Pietro into Lance's jeep.  
  
"That was insanely easy." Sam said.  
  
"Yeah-huh. Hey when he wakes up you know what we should do?" Ray asked.  
  
"What?" all the X-Men and New Recruits said in unison.  
  
"Tie a sugar cube to the end of a stick and attach it too his head! I wanna see him run around like an idiot!" all the mutants laughed evilly.  
  
"Yes, that would be funtacular!" said the professor who had just rolled up for some reason.  
  
"My, we are, like, so secretly evil," Kitty said.  
  
"And he hasn't a clue. The fool!" Storm laughed.  
  
"I knew it!" Jamie cried.  
  
"Knew what?" the professor asked innocently.  
  
"That you're all evil!" the young mutant shouted.  
  
"Dude, what are you talking about?" Bobby asked.  
  
"But.. but.. I'm gonna take up drinking!" he shouted, and then stormed off.  
  
"That was close, dog."  
  
"Whew, yeah."  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
BWAHAHAHAHA! Bet you weren't expecting that! Of course I wasn't either, the ending was just totally random. Hope you liked it! Review please! 


End file.
